Becoming a parent can be a beautiful experience for those who choose it. While parenthood is socially accepted for most heterosexual couples, queer Kenyans face a much more difficult path. Their desire to start a family is often met with intrusive questions, legal hurdles, and societal disapproval, all of which can take a toll on their mental health.
Benny Odongo, a gender non-conforming social worker who uses they/them pronouns, is all too familiar with these challenges.
“I became a parent to my daughter through a traumatic experience,” Odongo said. “Later, I fell in love with a queer woman who also had a son from a previous heterosexual relationship. In 2015, after two years together, we decided to move in, but her ex-husband accused her of child abduction and deemed her an unfit parent due to her sexual orientation.”
Michael Kioko, an advocate at the Centre for Minority Rights and Strategic Litigation, said Benny’s experience is all too common, as a parent’s sexual orientation can be used against them in court.
“There are no legal protections for queer parents, especially in custody cases,” Kioko said. “I handled a case in Kilifi where one parent used the other’s sexual orientation in court, accusing them of bringing [queer] people into the house, claiming this ‘exposed’ the children. Faced with the choice of defending their identity, which would go on public record, the parent abandoned the case. This tactic is frequently used to win custody battles.”
Brenda Sharp, a psychologist and life coach specializing in childhood and adult trauma in Nairobi, highlights the psychological effects custody disputes can have on children.
“Involving the legal system adds multiple layers of harm,” she said. “Family law is not adequately built to recognize same-gender relationships, leading to bias, especially when gender identity or sexual orientation is a factor. While courts can sometimes close cases involving children to protect privacy, public legal battles can still leave children with shame and parents struggling to navigate hurt feelings. Unfortunately, the person most affected is often the one whose sexual orientation or gender identity is under scrutiny.”
When everything unfolded, Benny’s partner’s son was only seven. Although judges ultimately decide custody and may consider but are not bound by the child’s wishes, the couple chose to give up custody. They wanted to shield him from the emotional burden of any involvement in the legal process at such a young age.
It is often presumed that children can’t grasp the complexities of queer relationships, but Sharp says they are often more aware of their environment than we realize and can understand and communicate their family dynamics.
“When discussing queer families with children, the approach varies depending on the child’s age,” Sharp said. “A conversation with a teenager is different from one with a toddler. If the parents choose to stay closeted for safety reasons, the discussion becomes more layered. For example, a three-year-old might easily accept having two moms or two dads without question—it’s just their reality. However, in environments where the family may face discrimination, it’s important to prepare the child for potential questions and insults. As parents, it’s crucial to provide support, create a sense of safety, and foster a community where the child feels secure and accepted.”
Benny and their partner discussed their sexual orientation and gender identity with their children from a young age to help them understand their family dynamic. This open communication also prepared the kids to handle nosy neighbours who were pressing them for answers about their home life.
“When we moved in together, our son was six years old and our daughter was four,” Benny said. “Many parents assume young children don’t grasp what’s happening, but that’s when they’re most inquisitive about differences. We explained to them, in simple terms, that we are more than friends, we’re a family who loves each other. We discussed various types of people, including those who are gender non-conforming, queer, and trans, using examples they could relate to. We also took them to LGBTIQ+ community events and introduced them to other children with queer parents so they could see they weren’t alone.”
These experiences motivated Benny and their partner to establish Coast Women for Women to ensure other queer parents in Kenya wouldn’t have to navigate similar challenges alone.
“After our experience, we wondered if we were the only LGBTIQ+ parents on the Coast,” Benny said. “When we asked around, we discovered many others facing similar challenges, such as being denied custody or lacking support from their partners due to their sexual orientation and gender identity.”
Benny and their partner already had children when their relationship began, but that is not always the case for queer couples. Globally, there are various assisted reproductive technology options available, such as adoption, in vitro fertilization, and surrogacy. These options are not accessible to queer couples in Kenya. Benny notes that some may resort to other measures that may put their sexual and reproductive health at risk.
“For those choosing donor insemination, many face repeated failures due to attempting it at home without fertility tests. Some opt to use sperm from gay friends, raising concerns about its health, including the risk of HIV, which is often not considered,” they said.
These challenges extend beyond female couples; all LGBTIQ+ couples are affected. Kioko notes those opting for adoption face their own set of difficulties.
“In adoption, single individuals face significant obstacles, while couples have a better chance,” he said. “However, even when a queer couple comes together, they are at a disadvantage because their union is not recognized under Article 45 of the Constitution of Kenya, which states that only opposite-sex couples can form a legally recognized union. As a result, they are barred from adopting.”
LGBTIQ+ Kenyans seeking IVF and surrogacy also face challenges.
“We lack laws in Kenya that support IVF and surrogacy, with relevant bills stuck in Parliament,” Kioko said. “When two queer women have a child, questions may arise from the [sperm] donor about their rights. While agreements can be made, their validity is questionable due to the absence of governing laws. Additionally, what rights does the partner who did not carry the child have? For those with medical insurance, covering the children can be challenging due to issues with documentation and birth registration. Furthermore, if something were to happen to the biological parent, custody would likely go to the extended family, not the partner.”
Regardless of sexual orientation or gender identity, Sharp says the well-being of children should be paramount.
“What I want to emphasize is the importance of conscious parenting, regardless of sexual orientation or gender identity. Parenting should be a deliberate act,” she said. “If we come from backgrounds that didn’t support our growth, we must re-parent our inner child to heal and avoid passing down trauma. Parents must recognize their triggers and take care of themselves. Conscious parents can embrace their children’s diversity, regardless of whether they identify differently from their parents. Most childhood trauma stems from how children are treated based on their behaviour or identity. When caregivers approach their children with love and acceptance rather than rejection, they foster an environment where children can thrive and become their true selves.”
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